Certain Uncertainty

I was certain that death had no hold over me.

I was certain that my heart and my mind held a common confidence that this physical world was not all there was. That  my being was made up of a number of realities, co-existing, influencing and pressing in to each other, but more often than not, colliding with one another.

I was certain that the eyes of my heart held more power to see beyond what my physical senses experienced. That in the very act of seeing into and beyond often gave more power to that unseen space. More power to influence what was seen.

Much like how the heat of the sun can move common man to take anothers life. Or how the fear of the unknown can push vulnerable people to do unspeakable acts. Or how love within ones heart can swell to such a depth that it can reach out and literally grab hold of a life that is teetering on the edge of destruction.

These things I was certain of.

Until
I awoke
The middle of the night
Death gripping me with a strangling hold.

I was fairly certain that I was going to die.

And my fear immediately erupted into ANGER
This is not how I held deaths picture in my mind. I was angry at the absence of fragrant flowers around me and the warmth of the sun washing over me and slight gentle breezes playing with my hair. 
I had held onto the loveliness of a scene where I was found out in my gardens after a satisfying day of co laboring with nature and our Creator, laying there in smug exhaustion on sweet grass and dew drenched with honeysuckle, I close my eyes and step from one reality into another.

This certain picture was now having its very life squeezed out of it. Being shaken and torn to threads as a dog violently shakes a stuffed bear out of all recognition leaving unidentifiable pieces strewn all over the yard.

I was angry there was no honeysuckle, only fear poisoning what tiny bits of air was managing to trickle into my lungs.

I became certain that I was not afraid to die but I was also certain I did not want to go with pain and fear driving me into the ground.

Help me God. Please let me breath honeysuckle.