Rollercoaster riding is an experience that is reflective of my life. I was put on this ride as a child and my life has been a constant series of ups and downs. Serious ups and downs. The problem is that I was not aware that the lows were dangerously low making the highs appear high when in fact they barely met the normal human state of ok-ness.
Today I heard that my uncle, who sexually abused me, had died. And I am on the rollercoaster again being flung every way leaving me unsure if I'm up, down or sideways crashing every way, hanging from ankles. I am walking around with my knuckles white from gripping so tight onto the threads of of life made bare by my emotions.
The experts tell me to just go with it and to make sure I am looking after yourself.
Recieving this news, and all the conflicting emotions that ran me over, brought a lot of confusion to my weary heart. When I get thinking about it, it really pisses me off that one of my first thoughts is how am I going to look after everybody else's thoughts and emotions around how I am responding badly to this news .
Today I am going to look after myself and I am going to make it clear to everybody that I cannot even try to explain to them why I'm crying.
No comments:
Post a Comment